Where is it? Where is what? Who is it? Who is what? Where is it? Where are you now that you need me the most? I would say that I laid down and died for you but, honestly is that enough? Enough for you to fathom the love that I present to you time and time again! You asked to see more than my hand that I frequently reach out to you to pick you up when you have attempted to jump off the ledge, yet, you haven’t even paid attention the draft that you feel in the center of your hand because of the hole that resides in my hand from the crucifixion I endure just so you don’t have to live your life in sin. It’s funny that you’re now thinking about suicide, I guess just like your life that you took from yourself my death is something that the Jews nor the Gentiles can take back. The only difference is that I died for your life to resume, you chose to die because your flesh was consumed. By something that is weaker than I the one you once looked up to. Reverse I will bring it back to the day of your death, in life there are no second chances but, there are plenty of thoughts and your thoughts can lead to your own death but death does not occur on thoughts alone. See you have not died, the Devil has presented to you an illusion, one many fall victim to. Where is it? My Faith? Finally, you have answered my question? Your quest is just beginning don’t jump off ship, you may fall but that is why I walked the very soil in which your feet grace every day that I bless you with life and purpose. I walked to endure what you are enduring at this moment and time. Do you not see my scars from my battles? If you seek more than my hand and if you can notice the details of this hand I shall soon show you myself in fullness. Although I need to know that your Faith is as big as the seed that I request in the book that most who lack Faith call a Fable, for if you listen to my words that play into your ear you will know that my word is anything but a Tall Tale! Faith is what brought you to listen to me, let faith drive you to where my voice is light and let the Foolish be driven by voice that withhold darkness and cast spells.
I wake up and ask myself, is there really anyone out there praying for me? Well, am I even praying for myself? I guess that should answer my question! Tormented with the thoughts in my head, repeated images of self-infliction. Infliction that could only lead me to the abyss in which my flesh is easily persuaded to see. I weep in fear from my spirit, but find great gratitude within my flesh! The sinful nature within me! This “impurity” within me has me casted out of the community that is supposed to support the healing that our father is running through me, but all they can see is the imperfect version of me that only their naked eye can see. Many will read this and think that there is no such thing as perfect, but see my definition of perfect is far different from yours. If you look hard and seek the real definition of perfection lies right beneath the surface and this is in reference to me. The surface being what you and I both see, perfection is the spirit inside that God has created in me! There may be a lot of darkness as time goes on, but there is always a light within me! I plummet… I fall once again. When I fall I am by myself, in my “comfort zone” once again. Truly, I have fallen to deception again, the enemy is at his tricks again! When alone I stumble, I plummet, down to a place where I can hardly stomach! During these times, it’s hard not to turn myself into matter that will feed a maggot! I sit and think about who is praying for me, and even though this time I am praying for myself and I am seeking for God’s help, the people who claim they will pray have not prayed! Therefore, I have a reason to feel abandoned and alone, but again I am wrong! Even if they didn’t pray there is one prayer alone that has been lifting me up and I have ignored for so long! God’s prayer for me to come back to Him has brought me this far in my life, that is the one prayer I need to acknowledge more! That alone is a false accusation because someone has been praying for me all along!
Meditating on my own thoughts. Focused on my own understanding. Suicidal thoughts trying to cast its demonic inheritance over the righteous side of me! What am I doing? Why do I do the things I do? Every time I try to pick myself back up it seems all I do is fall through; through the seams that you may seem in the streets, back up reverse because I was distracted by the seam in the street. It looks like it could lead me to the place I want to be, Poof, dead because I got hit by a car that I didn’t see or maybe it’s just the suicidal thoughts trying to get to me! Look at me, I can’t look at you because all I see is dead skin that should be peeled! By peeling it though I reveal the truth instead of living behind my blissful sorrow. Oh yea… another person will come around, to show their face and attempt to settle down, but before you get comfortable my instinct will be to let you drown! Now I can add you to the list of those who never stayed around. Stop shoving the mirror into my face I see my reflection now! Wait… could it really be my fault, the reason why he or she never took the time to see deeper than the skin that appears now? Who is this that claims he loves me now? I know by the thoughts displayed you wouldn’t believe that I am a Christian now! Although, who said that Christians don’t conflict with the evils of their flesh and the purity of their spirit? Anyway, this man claims that he is a Christian, but my thoughts are to leave him to drown now! I can’t because somehow, I have lead him to the spirit and he has now helped me find mine somehow! He thinks he understands me, no one understands a woman like me, one who moves without a sound. I have known him long and my flesh has grown to hate the woman he has repaired! God sent him to help me turn from my life of demonic things into the Queen that he has always seen! He may be my King, but I am grateful for the King of all Kings for shaping me into the woman he has always wanted me to be! Don’t let these earthly things kill you before you become a Queen or a King!
Silence… These women move in silence. The saying is that real G’s move in silence, but are they G’s or are they women that carry wisdom? Therefore, the wise move in silence! Within their silence is where their scars hide. They are wise, but they are also soldiers! Soldiers that can never be replicated! In our fear and resentment, they stood strong. They carried us for nine months, some of them bared us for a shorter length of time. Risking their own lives to birth new life into an imperfect world, hoping that with their little angel that the world would become more perfect! As painful as that was, the hardship that was to come in our developmental years was something they were not prepared for. We the children, hypnotized by the simplicity of our minds, not knowing the struggle that these women were going through behind their silent and joyful smiles. Early mornings catching the bus to be the first in the unemployment line. Food stamps embarrassed her, but she was approved and needed anything to ensure that you were well nourished and alive. Three jobs and she was barely home, but those three jobs kept you fed and helped you sleep tight at night. Lived in the projects because she couldn’t afford more because your father might not have been there to help provide. The struggle was real, but at the end of the day God put these women in position to be able to provide. Not to mention the night the apartment door was almost knocked down because a pervert saw a single woman providing for her kin and wanted to demolish a house that was never really sound. Although this house was not sound God pushed her to make a way somehow! All this so we can grow up and leave her while find our own house and as time passes we find her sitting outside our sound houses. Instead of giving back or appreciating them we break them and burn them down, but when Mother’s Day rolls around we will bring them back around just to see that joyful smile! We are in the wrong these soldiers have been around for too long, show them respect and tribute to them without a holiday coming along! Happy Mother’s Day!
My daughter, why won’t you come to me? Have you all not heard of me? I said, why won’t you come to me? I come home from work, shut the door and sit in silence. I have no furniture, just this beautiful marble floor. I turn up the heat but the floor gets colder and colder. My backside numbing by the minute, but the pain I endure because the thoughts on my mind inflict more. Voices, voices I can hear them, but no one is speaking. Most would consider me crazy, but I was just checked for schizophrenia last week. Best believe me there are no demons talking in my head, but nor do I hear Jesus either. Who is He? The man that left me stranded with a dollar in cash, forcing me to a strip club and grind on men for cash? The man that allowed me to get raped by the owner of the club? Is this the same man that gave me a father who beat on my mother, and tried to sleep with me and all my sisters while she was asleep three rooms down? The man that brought this man around to show me what I was supposed to look for in a man? The man that allowed me to have 3 miscarriages, and now I can’t give birth to a baby? How could I ever see Him or seek Him as my savior? He has failed me and left me damaged like many others on my block that I see. As you can see, I have plenty of anger inside of me. Anger that rots at the thought of people praising someone like you, but I am curious as to why people do worship you! As God says to me, “I understand your pain and your sorrow, but why are you upset with me? The things that have happened to you are tragic and are of nothing I would wish upon you. Much like your family, none of you know of me, which is why it was easy for evil to strike you. In the events that took place in your life I have kept you here day by day because I have brought you here for a purpose. I understand you may not know me and because of the sin you have committed, you may not feel that it is appropriate to know me either. Although, I ask you to come to me as you are, imperfections and all. You are mad at me for stripping and the harmful things that came from it. Well I can say that you placed yourself in those situations and those things occurred. You went through hell, but I still provided for you and kept you warm, even though you spoke my name in vain. I provided shelter and protection while you were on the streets selling yourself to what the devil considers fun. I am the one that kept you sober, and maintain a clean record even though your parents raised you wrong! Listen my daughter, all I ask is that you come to me just as you are and all the sins of today and your past will be washed away, and we will finally be one. For I am your groom and you are my bride and there is no one else you can run to that can save your life. Allow my son to pay the price and you will be introduced to a new life that last a lifetime. For I know your heart and I know the temptation that lies on it, and I know the purity that lies on the soul that the world has tarnished; allow me to reshape and mold it, for your happiness I am more than willing to die for it!” Fencing with God!
Despite the mind of my flesh, the condemnation that resides in the hearts of others in this realm have not, nor will they ever reside with my King. As an infant my eyes were open, but it wasn’t until adulthood when I was given the gift to be able to see. The sentences and paragraphs that define the difference of a man, and a man with Christ. Born into a world that is distorted by the ill will of those who temporarily rule it, my mind tends to fall under the same conditions… Father forgive me I have been created in your image, but on behalf of the others on this exemplary earth, and those in my generation that draw your name closer to things that will never signify who you are or what you do, and what you have done for us. Looking at your Bible and knowing your Bible are two different things, but to a blind man what would that mean? He cannot see nor read so then how would I be able to receive the blessings that he has dedicated to me? Maybe he took away all the other senses so that I may hear and feel his word in my heart and soul, but my soles are now of no existence, and I can no longer feel my feet. The rigamortis slowly overtaking my body, but God will never let me go, they want to see me fall but even when I fall defeat doesn’t quite make it to see me. My battles are predetermined and my maker knows me well enough to know that I shall never back down, but I forever hear his word for I once before seen the face of my enemy and almost fell victim to deception, but here you see before you a man who knows his right from his left, and will never again allow the presence of God to leave his spirit, he is the Bread of Life and the life lesson is to give recognition and seek for repentance and treat him as such.